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we were each others first
that doesn't matter now
you slashed, ripped, and raped
all the memories we had together
now laying crumpled on the floor
now I am only a mistake
a childish high school mistake
no longer do I have happy memories
but cry for stupidly wanting you
long ago we were over
and now I am over you
never wanted you out of my life
now I wonder why I waited so long
every good memory we had
now has been replaced by pain
Don't know what drove me to write this. It was in my mind this morning when I woke up and kept repeating itself in my mind until I wrote it down. I had a tear or two while I wrote this. It is strange to have this nawing at me until I wrote it down. It has been a long while since that has happened.

Words are not capitalized for a reason.
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yumenatsume Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
I feel identified with those words T_T... I liked how u put a situation like that into words...
DavisJes Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
the-free-flowing Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010
tear face.

thats sad.
very very sad.
DavisJes Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
uberchick Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I have no premium membership, and therefore cannot write an in-depth critique, but I can throw a semblance of one into your comments section. Anyway, as far as originality goes, this idea has been done time and time again and in every way you could think of. That isn't to belittle your work; 'tis a statement of fact. I think that your particular piece does a good job of illuminating that which many of us have gone through; the descriptions were well-placed and well-said. As far as imagery goes, this immediately brought to my mind the image of a bunch of crumpled up pieces of paper, scattered on the floor and covered by the shadow of a writing desk. I suppose those pieces of paper can represent previous attempts at love, or something.

Also, I find it odd that you chose to have commas and an apostrophe in your poem, but omitted the capitalization and period at the end. It looks to me like it wants to be a raw, incomplete and recklessly forthright poem, but those punctuation marks near the beginning are kind of like it backing away and saying, "You know I'm not gonna go all-out on this, right?" Overall, though, I think that you did a good job.
DavisJes Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the crit. I didn't know you had to have a member to do a crit. Yeah I know it is not original. It is just something that came to me one day when I woke up.
uberchick Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
That's fine; the originality of the piece isn't nearly as important as the skill of the writer. And you're welcome for the critique!
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Submitted on
October 14, 2009
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