He called me.
He asked me to come over.
I run down the hill.
Go up a stranger’s driveway.
Jump over a fence.
Climb down a tree.
Enter the house through the back door.
He erases my number from the phone.
So no one will ever know he called me.
In his room he kisses me.
Lying on his bed there are more kisses.
Then he asked the question.
I said no.
He asked again.
I said no.
“Please.”
“No.”
He continued to ask.
I said no.
Finally I quit arguing to shut him up.
Black shorts.
On the floor.
Neon pink underwear.
On the floor.
Union Bay blue, yellow, brown striped shirt.
On the floor.
I lie naked on his bed.
He unzips his pants.
I turn my head away.
Not wanting to look.
Then the pain.
Pain you never forget.
I remember how much it hurt.
I told him.
He stopped.
Why?
I do not know.
I will never know.
I am just glad.
I look to the right.
I see the clock on his night stand.
Bright red letters scream at me.
3:30pm
“I need to go.”
I get up and get dressed.
His parents will be home soon.
He pinned me to his dresser kissing me.
I hit my head on his hamster cage.
I leave the same way I came.
Through the back door on the porch.
Climb the same tree.
Jump the fence.
Down the stranger’s driveway again.
I run up the hill.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
That is what I tell myself as I run home.
Look what you got for being alone with a guy.
Good, no one is home yet.
Running makes my breath labored.
My skin is red.
He calls again.
Ask if I am okay.
Okay? Okay?
How in the hell will I ever be okay.
But I say yes.
Hanging up the phone I try to calm down.
I try to concentrate on my homework.
My boyfriend calls.
I say nothing.
My parents come home.
I say nothing.
The next day he acts like nothing happened.
He continues to harass me.
He tells me he knows I want him.
He tells me he will have me.
Finally he moves away.

A year later a similar situation.
This time it is the guy across the street.
We used to fight.
I probably should have expected it.
We were in my room.
My Dad was in the next room.
The guy held me down.
I tried to get away but his grip was tight.
He pinned me to the floor.
I tried to avoid his kisses.
So scared that it would turn into something more.
Then he stopped kissing me.
He got off me like nothing had happened.
I brushed it off as nothing.
We had known each other for four or five years.
Hanging out together was nothing new.
The next day I went to his house to hang out.
I should have taken the day before as a warning.
We always hung out at each other's house.
We either watched TV or played video games.
This time was different.
In his room he shuts the door.
I am sitting on the bed.
He turns his attention from the game he is playing.
Suddenly he is on top of me.
He is trying to get under my shirt.
Then he wanted my pants off.
I said no.
He laughs.
I said no.
He backs away from me.
“Ha! Ha! Just kidding,” he says.
I know why this happened.
I was stupid for going over there.
The other guy told him lies.
Said he had me when he didn't.
We were all friends.

Six years later.
The story is not over.
A third guy wants me.
This time he was my boyfriend.
We are alone in his apartment.
His roommates are not there.
We are watching TV.
I want attention.
I playfully kick him.
He told me to quit.
He never took his eyes off the TV.
Kick.
“Stop.”
Kick.
Laugh.
In rage he pins me.
His hands hold my hands above my head.
His leg pins my left leg to the couch.
My right leg propped against the back of the couch.
Can't scream,
Can't speak,
Can't cry,
Can't move,
I am a deer caught in headlights.
All I can think is 'Please no not again.'
His next words I will never forget.
“I can do whatever I want to you.”
He lets go.
Back to watching TV as if nothing happened.
He is my boyfriend.
I brush it off and try to calm down.
Thirty minutes later my heart is still racing.
I tell him I am leaving.
“Why?”
“I am too freaked.”
“I can’t calm down.”
He tries to hug me.
I tell him no and back away.
I leave.
I knew then it was time to leave him.
I leave but I eventually went back.
He acted if nothing had happened.

You think you can prepare yourself.
You always hear, “It was someone she knew.”
You think, “That will not be me.”
You are wrong.
You can never be prepared for rape.
Of pain that never truly goes away.
My hope is that others find their voice.
After many years I have found mine.

The guys are out of my life finally.
Gone but never forgotten.
Never apologizing for the things they did.
I still see the scars they gave me.
Scars no one else can see.