I have been doing a lot of thinking this past week about a number of things but mainly about who I am. I am a rock chick, a country girl, someone who will listen, someone you can have crazy fun with because you know everyone is crazy even if they do not admit it. I am a 24 year old white girl, who is 5' 3" an average build. I have blue eyes, wear contacts, my hair is dirty blonde. I like anime/manga, I like to sing, read, write and draw. I am all this and more. To most who know me I am a girl and I like guys. That is not a lie but that is not the whole truth either. I am a girl who likes guys but I am also a girl who likes girls. Saying I am straight is not correct although that is what I commonly refer to myself as. Yet saying I am lesbian is not entirely true either. It took awhile for me to understand but I like both guys and girls.

I never thought about it until now but like all little girls I had Barbies when I was little. I had one or maybe two Ken dolls but the rest were all Barbie. I do not remeber if I associate Glitter Beach Barbie as being the same person as Hollywood Barbie with different clothes or not. Since they were two separate dolls I probably associated them as being two different people. I even had a few of Barbie's friends but I think I call them Barbie also. I was in elementary school and had no concept of gay, bi, or lesbian but I knew that men and women were suppose to be together becuase that was all I ever saw. I never played with Ken much. Not becuase I was like "oohh he is a boy and boys have cootties". I never when through that stage I just did not play with Ken becuase he was a boy. I liked Barbie better. Come on how could you style a guy's hair when his hair is made of the same plastic as his body? I do not remeber ever having Barbie marry another Barbie or have Barbie having any kind of relationship with another Barbie but I would always pair them off together. Maybe there was a subconsious meaning there in my childhood maybe not. I am not going to sit here and try to examine it becuase one I do not remeber it clearly like I do most everything else and two I did not even know there was anything beside a man with a woman at that age.

I had always liked guys. I had a huge crush on Michael Jackson. I wanted to marry a guy just like my dad. I figured that I would be in my best friend's wedding and she would be in mine. There was this guy in first grade that I have this vague memory of saying he was my boyfriend or something. I did not start to really notice guys until fourth grade and unconisously I think I started noticing girls in fifith grade. My first real crush was in fourth grade. I also had my first kiss in fourth grade because a guy figured out I liked this other guy and said if I did not kiss him he would tell the guy I liked him so I kissed him. The summer before fifth grade I met a guy at the beach and “dated” him for the week he was there. I remember feeling special because he chose me and not my friend who I thought was better looking than I was. Fifth grade I had a crush on a guy once again but never told him. Then we went on a school field trip to camp for the weekend I remember staring at this girl Jenny while she changed. I did not realize I was staring until someone said something and I immediately looked away. I never thought about it again until years later. I did not know why I had stared at her until years later.

Sixth grade I had a crush on this guy all year. We had ever single class together except for our elective class. I finally got the nerve to ask him out in seventh grade. He did not want to ruin the friendship. I was hurt be we remained friends for years until he moved away and I am glad. I can’t say if I knew what being gay, lesbian, or bisexual was before sixth grade because I honestly do not remember. I do not think I knew in sixth grade either. It probably was not until seventh grade where I began to even think about the concept of people liking people of their same gender. Not for myself but the concept in general.

In seventh grade I remember someone in science class asking our teacher if he was gay. He said what do you mean and the student say you do are you happy. I knew that the student was asking him if he liked guys. I found myself wondering if the teacher was gay for the rest of the year. In seventh and eighth grade I had pictures of guys such as Devon Sawa and some other "teen heart throbs" but never JJT or Hanson. I would have stacks of them from magazines in piles and put some on my wall. I was say who I thought was cute when I flipped through magazines but I always liked looking at the girls more. I made it so no one would know. I did not even really know myself but I knew my friends would look at me weird if I had pictures of girls up in my room instead of guys. I dated a guy in seventh grade for a month when he asked me out and then dumped me in front of our entire first period class. He thought it was funny to dump me in front of everyone but I did not care and he was the one that ended up looking stupid. We probably did not talk again until tenth grade but we are friends now which is what matters.

The summer before eighth grade I met a guy and we dated for a month before he broke up with me. All through eighth grade I still liked him but I also found myself attracted to a girl. One of my friends introduced me to her. At first I did not care but then we become good friends. Later I realized I felt toward her the way I had felt toward guys. We hung out and had fun but I wanted more. I want to be with her but I was not thinking about sex. I was not thinking about sex at all much less with a girl. I was still not sure what I was feeling. I wanted to protect her from everyone and everything. Before long she was spending almost every Friday night at my house. Not only did not get to see her at school and talk to her every night on the phone but I got to wake up to her almost every Saturday morning. I never kissed her or held her hand or did anything with her. I always walked the halls with her and walked her to her class. I would sometimes carry her stuff and had my arm around her. One of my guy friends who I think secretly liked and publicly liked to humiliate me started calling us lesbians saying he saw us dancing naked through my window. Things like this would always bring her to tears and I would try to comfort her. I would tell her they were stupid boys while silently saying in my head it was my fault and I was sorry for the way I felt. One day on vacation at the beach with her and my family and with eighth grade almost over I got the nerve to tell her how I felt. She did not feel the same way which I kind of figured that but I was still hurt. She said that we could still be friends and we would go to high school together. Then later she told me she was moving and we could see each other before she left. Then one day she was just gone without a call or anything. Later I got a letter from her saying we would keep in touch but she never wrote back. I was so mad at her for so long for leaving me. Then again she was never mine in the first place. I felt like I scared her away but that does not make sense because he aunt was lesbian and she had no problem with that.

Freshman year of high school I started dating this guy and I liked him a lot. I was utterly and completely madly in love with him after only a short time. Later I realized I liked one of my friends who was a girl but did not give it any thought because I was with a guy. I decided to tell the guy I was dating that I liked girls. I originally told him becuase I thought it would turn him on. At first he thought it was cool that I was turned on by girls. He showed me my first porn tape. I still remember what it was, a Playboy video with the Dahm Triples and Vanessa Gleason. I kept wishing that the three girls were not sisters so there would be some action. He told me he showed me the tape to see my reaction. I can’t remember exactly but I think he already suspected something. For awhile I could look at other girls and ask him, “What do you think of her?” but he never had to worry about me leaving him. He later realized he not only had other guys as competition but girls too and then it was no longer cool. I was still trying to figure out why I had feelings for girls when I was so totally in love with my boyfriend. I never looked at other guys but I found myself looking at girls. I had no desire to see guy naked and even a guy taking off his shirt did not turn me on. I would just think put on your shirt no one wants to see that and I am talking about guys that most girls would think were cute or hot. For a girl though I was like, "Hell yeah! Take it off." when I would see a girl taking off her clothes. I never though anything wrong with the way I felt towards girls or the thoughts I had. I started wearing these small titanium rainbow hoop earings which I have worn since 1998 only taking then out for certain occassions. Looking back now I think I was unconiously trying to tell myself about myself to let the real me show through even if I did not know really who I was yet.

Sophmore year of high school I finally realized there was a name for me. I was bisexual.

The summer before my junior year of high school my boyfriend told me I should try to talk to my mom about everything that I was going through in my life. I said okay and decided to tell her everything including that I was bi. I was sitting on the kitchen floor as I was talking to my mom. She was washing the dishes so she had her back to me while I talked to her. I do not remember where my dad was or how I started the conversation as it has been about eight or nine years ago now. I eventually said, “I am bi.” She turned around looking at me as she wiped her hand with a towel and said, “So you are bio?” I kind of laughed and said, “No. I am not a biology project. I am bi.” She just looked at me. So I said, “You remember that girl in eighth grade? Why do you think she was over here all the time?” After that talk with her she sent me to a psychiatrist. She did not take it well and I have not confided in her since.

Senior year of high school I kind of made a few changes to get ready for college and one of those changes was that I cute my hair to my ears. I had a crush on one of my friends that was a girl who I had met through a mutual friend. It was the same friend that introduced me to the girl I had a crush on in eighth grade but I never had a crush on the girl who introduced me to the two girls. She was so hot. By this point I had gotten rid of the stacks of pics of famous guys and I had my own little collection of Christina Aguilera pictures. My boyfriend asked me if I knew anyone we could have a three-some with. I asked her and she said she would think about it but then later told me she would not because she started dating this guy. I never told her I was bi or that I had a crush on her. We remained friends and I got to listen to her weekend stories every Monday at lunch. One day she told our group at lunch that she had gotten her nipples pierce and she had showed a female teacher. All I could think about when she told me was I wish I could see her tits. My senior year I also decided to go to a girl only college because I was tired of dealing with guys.

Freshman year of college I tired to embrace my sexuality but I still did not readily tell people I was bi. I dressed like a guy with baggy clothes and my mom hated it but I was in college so I did not care. Hell it was an all girl's school, I did not want to scare anyone off I wanted to make friends. The only person I told was my suitemate and that was after I made sure I got to know her. I met this girl and I thought she was cute. We hung out some but I had a boyfriend and she had a girlfriend. I had a feeling that she liked me but never said anything. She first noticed me because I had my rainbow necklace on. She only stay freshman year and I wish I had kept in contact with her.

Sophomore year of college I tired to deny my sexuality because my boyfriend broke up with me. I was depressed and I wanted him back. I spent the whole year closed off. I threw away my rainbow necklace and my rainbow shirt because I was trying to tell myself that I was straight. I told myself that I was not bi and that was just a phase. I tried to convince myself and my ex that I was a straight arrow. I kinda had this mentally of "I love you. Look at me I am straight and I am wearing skirts to prove it. I am straight and I know you still love me so let's get back together." Looking back now I know that was a dumb way to think but I was in love and love makes you do crazy things. I wore skirts the whole year and my roommate kept asking me why don't you where pants. I think the only time I wore pants was my pjs. Maybe wearing skirts only lasted one semester I really don't remember anymore. I wish I still had at least the necklace but I think I let that girl from freshman year borrow it and I told her to keep it. I did not tell my roommate I was bi and I never have because I believe she is homophobic. I remember she told me freshman year she moved to another room because she thought her roommate was lesbian.

Junior year of college I had come to the realization again of yes I am bi and no it is not a phase. I can't change the way I feel toward guys and girls. I like guys but I have no interest in getting intimate yet I want to have a family someday. I like girls and would like to be intimate yet I want to get to know her first. So I went back to wearing jeans but they were not guy jeans like freshman year. I started trying to show myself off. I had a girl I wanted to ask out but turned out she had a boyfriend. Then I started dating that guy again and I even introduced him to the girl I had planned on asking out. I told a few people in college but never joined Spectrum although my friend and the girl I was going to ask out was the president.

Senior year of college I started talking to more lesbian and bisexual girls trying to make friendships. I also got my first and only tattoo my senior year when I was 21. The tattoo itself has nothing to do with me being bi but it is me being who I truly am and I have wanted a tattoo since I was in high school. Mom cried when she saw it but I think it is beautiful. I love to show it off. So leaving college I had more self confidence in myself (even though at times I do not see it) and was hurting because my boyfriend broke up with me (again).

November 15, 2007 I am so nervous. My stomach is in knots and I do not think I will eat lunch today. My dad has the day off from work today. On the way to work today I decided to tell him. I have been trying to figure out for years how to tell him but I think the easiest way is to give him the letter I wrote. I want to talk to him when mom is not around. It had been almost two hours and (10:02am) since I sent my dad the email with the letter and my stomach is still in knots. I did not send the whole letter because there was a lot of things in there that yes I do want to tell him but I just need to take one thing at a time. I feel like I need to eat but at the same time I do not want to eat. I am just so scared that I have changed out relationship and it is for the worst. I love my dad so much and we are so close. This is just something I had to tell him. It has been eating at me for years wanting to tell him but I have been too scared. I hope that he does not hate me now. I had some many questions running through my head. Should I say something when I get home or should I let him come and talk to me? I know I am going to talk to him when I get home today because I always do. Will he talk to me? Will he look at me differently? Will he still love me? There was only one other time I was this scared to tell him something. At least this time I am the one that choses to tell him and I am not telling him because my mom found out and made me tell him like she did with the other thing. I take that back this is worse than when I had to tell my dad I was pregnant in high school. Back then I got forced into telling him with no warning. This time I have made the decision on my own and I though I would have to wait until almost 6pm to find out his reaction to what I have told him. I checked my email at 12:28pm and saw my dad had answered me back. I did not except him to answer me back through email.
   I was nervous to open it but I did and this is what he said: "I love you.
   You will always be my sweet baby. Let's talk when you are ready."
When I read that I just started to cry. I am so happy that he still loves me. He took it so much better than my mom did. That just makes me love him even more. I emailed him back and told him that we can go pick up dinner together and talk then. I told a friend at work that I wanted to talk to my dad about something and I was worried it would change our relationship. When she came back from lunch I showed her the email he sent me and she said "Who is Ronnie? I said "My dad and he still loves me" and she said "Of course he still loves you silly." I feel so a hundred pounds lighter like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I just wish that mom had taken as well as he did. I was a wreck the first half of the day at work but then I could not quit shaking after I read my dad's email. Well I was not able to talk to him when I got home. I chickened out but it is okay he knows the real me and there is nothing I really need to say. I had just expected for him to ask me questions but I know this is hard for him too. Just knowing that he knows and he still loves me is enough. The Q&A can wait until later. The next morning I gave him a big hug before he left for work. I am a really big hug and he asked if I was okay and I said "yeah I just love you."
I later sent him an email:
I was going to talk to you last night when we went to go get dinner but I didn't. Yeah you can give me my sign now. ^_^ Anyways I am fine for now knowing that you still love me and I can talk to you whenever I need to. If you feel the need to ask me anything at anytime please do. I know we do not have a serious conversations much and that it would probably be weird but if you have questions I will try to answer them the best I can.
He replied:
That is fine.  I have always been proud of you.  I hope you know that.  I just want the very best for you.  I know we joke a lot, probably too much.  I hope you know that you can come to me any time you want to.  I always want to help.

Dec 2007: Since coming out to my father I have decided to come out to myself and the world more. I have now bought me a rainbow ring which I wear everyday even to work. I know that not everyone will know what the ring means to me and that is why I am able wear it to work. Also I know that it will be a good way to say who I am without having to actually say who I am. I even bought a pride necklace and the rings turned out to be larger than I thought they would. I sent the necklace back and the guy said that he would exchange the necklace when the smaller rings came it. I will not wear the necklace to work but I will definitely wear it when I go out with friends. I also after five years I was able find the guy I had a crush on in sixth grade thanks to MySpace but unfortunately he has a girlfriend. We got talking and I told him that I was bi and my mom did not take it well when I told her but my dad was very accepting. This guy also accepted me for who I am and I think it just made my crush on him stronger because sometime I feel like the guy that I have loved for over ten years never truly accepted that I like girls too.

July 25, 2008: I have thought about telling my roommate from sophomore year of college many times before but I always chickened out because I thought she did not like gays. The way she would talk about her roommate freshman year and this other girl made me feel that way. Last night I thought about it and finally emailed her asking her how she felt about them. She said it is a person's life and that she believe it is they way people are born not something they choose. Who knows maybe after six years I will finally get the nerve to tell her. I do not know if I will tell her or if I will chicken out. I am nervous about her reaction if I tell her but no where near as nervous as I was when I told my dad. This is just another example of how with every person in my life I have to make a conscious decision whether or not to tell that person that I also like girls. I would like to tell my grandma but I know I never will unless gay marriages were legal here and I found a girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Jul 26, 2008: She said "to be honest, I never thought you were. i think it was both the way you carried yourself as well as you kind of alluded to being interested in girls back in college." Now because of her response I am thinking of telling another friend. I really want to tell this girl I have known since we were three. We used to be best friends but we have kinda drifted apart over the years. I can't even get to to return a phone call or a message but I would like to be able to tell her finally after years of debating.

Aug 2008: I join Dual and met some nice people.

2009: This has definitely been a year of changes and new things for me. I grew closer and closer to a friend only to find out she felt the same way. I was lucky. I have a girlfriend that is married. It is not a normal relationship but what is normal. Overrated. I know I am not the only girl in this situation and that is a great comfort. Each day brings new experiences but I look forward to them. I no longer am waiting for the one I thought I let get away. I can now live my life to the fullest and the way I want to and I don't apologize for it.

Just because I am bisexual it does not mean I am any different. I am not a freak or a monster. I am not some abomination. I know some may see this as a contradiction but I am a Christian. I love God very much and hope to see Him one day in Heaven. More people in the online community know I am bi than people who actually know me. My mom is the only one in my family I have told and we have never talked about it since. She is probably in denial or thought it was just a phase since I never had a girlfriend. I never told my friends because I did not want to lose their friendship. Ironically all the friends I wanted to tell but were too scared to tell have all moved away from me now. I have not told anyone I work with for two reasons. One this is no need for anyone at work to know my sexuality and two my aunt is my boss. Even though I am still afraid to tell others who I really am I find peace in knowing that I finally know who I am. To me coming out is not just a one time experience. Every time I decide to tell someone who I really am it is hard no matter how many people already know to tell the ones who still do not know it is hard. Maybe one day I will get the courage not to hide anymore. I have a feeling that I will update this more than once as my discovering/coming out story continues.